Skip to content

#BibleMyths101: Finding a Girlfriend for Adam

July 24, 2020

Author: Mykael Udy

Numbering: Issue 1.B, Idea: African Freethinking

Place of Publication: Langley, British Columbia, Canada

Title: African Freethinker

Web Domain: http://www.in-sightjournal.com

Individual Publication Date: July 24, 2020

Issue Publication Date: TBD

Name of Publisher: In-Sight Publishing

Frequency: Three Times Per Year

Words: 876

Keywords: Adam, Bible, Mykael Udy, mythology.

#BibleMyths101: Finding a Girlfriend for Adam[1],[2]

Mykael Udy is a Nigerian writer. He is passionate about writing. He desired to see more Africans walk away from religion. Udy likes to write on mythology, where the Bible stories were plagiarized. He uses humour as a form of education.

In Genesis 2, ‘God’ supposedly makes Adam, but doesn’t make a ‘helpmeet’ for him. Did the Almighty forget to do so? Did the thought skip his Omniscient mind? How come ‘God’ suddenly realized that “It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him an helpmeet for him”? I mean, you’re the Almighty and Omniscient ‘God’! Surely, you should have known beforehand that Adam would be lonely! Well, I guess he just took his time. He had quite a lot of it.

Well, God finally decides to make a helpmeet for Adam. But did he make Eve immediately? Nah!

What did he do?

He made the beasts and the birds, and wait for this: (**Drumroll**) tried to get Adam to take one of them for “a helpmeet”! Isn’t that amazing? ‘God’ made the animals first and then lined them up to strut past Adam.

Yep! The best way to find a chic for Adam was to arrange a beauty pageant, so the animals in all their beauty and gorgeousness would strut past Adam and try to tickle his fancy.

Unfortunately, it seems that Adam saw nothing that struck his fancy. The fairest ape, the sexiest Chimpanzee; the loveliest Ostrich, the majestic Eagle, the royal Lionness, the most fascinating Gorilla, the bootylicious Hippo, the Giraffe with sexy, long legs – and of course, the subtle Serpent – they all failed to touch Adam’s poor, lonely heart not to talk of arousing his well-designed penis.

Renowned Bible Commentators have attested to the fact that the reason behind the pageantry was the not-so-coded operation #FindingGirlfriendForAdam.

Dr. Adam Clarke says:–”God caused the animals to pass before Adam to show him that no creature yet formed could make him a suitable companion; that Adam was convinced that none of these animals.”

Dr. Thomas Scott also says that after “…this review of the animals, not one was found in outward form his counterpart, nor one suited to engage his affections…”

Dr. Matthew Henry admits that “God brought all the animals together to see if there was a suitable match for Adam in any of the numerous families of the inferior creatures, but there was none. They were all looked over, but Adam could not be matched among them all.”

Wonderful scholars! I must say.

Back to our story, please. Seeing he had failed woefully in his attempt at matchmaking Adam, the Almighty and Omniscient God (who surely should have known beforehand that none of the animals would catch Adam’s fancy) pathetically cried out: “…but for Adam there was not found a helpmeet for him.”

Awww! Heartbreaking!

Not to worry though! Yahweh, of course, always has a solution (to the problem which he made by himself in the first place). Was he going to create this girlfriend out of the same ‘nothing’ from which he made the universe? Or was he going to form her from the same dust Adam was made from? Nah! Let’s do something else. Stories have to be exciting. So he made Adam fall into a deep sleep, surgically removed one of Adam’s ribs and miraculously stitched up his skin.

Angel Gabriel hollered: “Yo Yahweh! What the heck? Why go through such a long, hectic, dangerous procedure? Why didn’t you simply say “Rib appear” or “Let there be Girlfriend”?

Yahweh turns around and gives Angel Gabriel ‘the look.’ He disappears. ‘God’ goes ahead to miraculously make a woman from the single rib, and brought her to Adam. Imagine the ‘Supreme Ruler of the Universe with a bone in his hands, trying to make up his mind whether to make a Blonde or Brunette.

Well, as I was saying, Adam finally had a girlfriend made from his ribs. Immediately God presented her to him, Adam fell in love. After a mini wedding ceremony, they lived happily ever after in the Garden of Eden – at least until the serpent who was one of the spurned animals got jealous. I guess hell really has no fury like that of a serpent scorned.

Appendix I: Footnotes

[1] Nigerian Writer.

[2] Individual Publication Date: July 24, 2020: http://www.in-sightjournal.com/biblemyths101-finding-a-girlfriend-for-adam.

License and Copyright

License

In-Sight Publishing and African Freethinker by Scott Douglas Jacobsen is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
Based on a work at www.in-sightjournal.com.

Copyright

© Scott Douglas Jacobsen, and In-Sight Publishing and African Freethinker 2012-2020. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Scott Douglas Jacobsen, and In-Sight Publishing and African Freethinker with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.  All interviewees co-copyright their material and may disseminate for their independent purposes.

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: